Christmas Wishlist

I believe in Santa.  I’ve always looked forward to Christmas morning, when there would be something nice and new waiting for me.  We never used to have Christmas trees at home, but that didn’t stop the excitement of getting a Christmas present.  Now that I have kids (and a Christmas tree), I can sense their expectation of what awaits them should Santa be kind enough to pay us a visit, and the small, yet tangible, improvement in behavior in the days leading up to Christmas.  How one wishes that would continue for the rest of the year!  But given that it’s Christmas time, it’s only fair that adults also get an opportunity to share their wishlist with Santa, and hope that he remembers to get at least something for us as well.  So here are the 3 gifts I want from Santa this Christmas.

I want to speak English like the British.  They say the greatest gift the British gave to India was the English language, as it enabled people from different parts of the country, each of whom had their own language, to finally communicate with each other, and thereby get rid of the Raj.  In modern times, knowledge of English is probably the single biggest factor for the growth of the outsourcing industry in India, and a key (and possibly the only) differentiator against China.  But while the British gave us the language, they didn’t teach us how to speak it.  So everyone in India speaks English in their own unique accent, with a dose of local slang, regional tongue, Bollywood and Hollywood combined (popularly termed “Hinglish”).  How I wish the British had taught us not only the alphabet and grammar, but also pronunciation!  The BBC has always been the gold standard of spoken English, and watching the anchors, British politicians, royalty speak English in their propah, clipped accent makes one yearn to get an accent to match theirs.  But the British have been fair—they not only didn’t teach Indians to speak English, neither did they teach any of the other colonies.  Just listen to the Australian accent and you’ll know what I mean (sorry mate, or “might” as Aussies pronounce it)!  And in the ultimate test of fairness, it is now proven that the English spoken in the different countries of Great Britain is so different from each other that it will probably take an Indian to translate what the Scotsman says to the Irishman!

The second thing I want this Christmas is the presentation skills of an American.  While the American drawl is no match for the British royale, what they don’t have in substance, they make up for it in style, and how!   Watching an American speak in public is almost like watching a Hollywood movie.  It’s not the content that’s important, but the manner in which it is packaged and sold—from the right dress for the occasion, to the firm handshake, the warm eye contact, the under-stated and self-deprecating humour, and finally the presentation of the content itself, with logic and emotion applied in the right proportion.  If you don’t know what I mean, just watch Obama’s speech on Election Night in 2008, or Kennedy speaking in public, or any of the many business leaders in action.  No wonder Americans are the best sales people in the world, and the US of A is the destination of choice for many people from around the globe.  Now only if they could do Math and Science as well…

The last thing I want are the business skills of our very own Gujaratis and Marwaris (communities in India known for their business flair).  There’s no propah accent here, nor much sartorial or spoken style.  But if you want results in business, look no further than our very own Patels.   Every interaction is an opportunity to sell, and every opportunity to sell is an opportunity to make money.  There are no free lunches, and no 5 year business plans here—it’s all about cash, that too the sooner the better (and hence the discount for upfront payment).   There are no problems in business, only opportunities.  And if one business is not doing well, that’s an opportunity to get out and invest in another business.  No wonder that you don’t see many people from these communities working in large companies or MNCs.  Why should they, when their genes are imbued with entrepreneurial flair, and their understanding of finance would put many CFOs to shame?  Mumbai is not only the financial capital of India, but also the soul of business in this country, thanks to the many from these communities who have made it their home.  Now if only they could stop thinking about money all the time, and learn to speak the Queen’s English.  That really would be a Christmas gift to wish for.